Let Me Tell You How Much I Love You
by SophiaTab
Summary: This is a Shay-Severide romance. So if you are heavily committed to the concept of Shay as a lesbian role model, don't read this. You won't like it. However if you think Shay and Severide are just too cute together and so much like an ideal couple that they should be together. Enjoy. This wish fulfillment.
1. Chapter 1

_**Let Me Tell You How Much I Love You**_

**Chapter One**

Kelly Severide did not feel fully recovered until both he and Shay walked through the doors at 51. The doctors had said it would be twelve months and even then he shouldn't expect to go back to the job at full capacity. But he took a chance on a risky procedure, hey what was his life anyway, but one big risk, and blew the scores off the board retaking his physicals. He owed his survival to Shay. Renee and Madrid hadn't worked out. Deep down he had always known it wouldn't have lasted. They had nothing common, so he stayed in Chicago and the only home he knew with Shay.

He was there when Shay's life fell apart after Clarice decided to go back to her lawyer husband, her wine rack, and her lawyer husband's six figure salary. Instead of Shay seeing him through a difficult recovery, he supported her through the worst depression of her life. But it seemed right for him to finally be giving back to her after all she had done for him. So for nearly seven months he had been a ghost at the fire station. He did what he had to maintain his standing, but concentrated most of his time on Shay who had therapy appointments she had to be forced to keep at first and who didn't need to spend long period alone for months after that. It was only gradually, gradually, that Shay integrated back into the world. Sometimes, Kelly fantasized about watching Clarice scream for help out of the upper windows of a burning building. He never shared that fantasy with Shay, and he knew he would never act on it if it ever came to pass, but damn it felt good on nights when every tear Shay shed felt like a nail pounded into his chest to think about that bitch burning.

Only a few things had really changed over the last months. Peter Mills was less of a candidate and more of member of the house, maybe even potentially a member of Squad 3. Otis had a fiancée. Cruz was still more than a little bit crazy and the rumors swirling around were scary, but he chose to ignore them. Maybe Cruz was just bucking up his nerve to put in a squad application. And Matt Casey was on the edge of his life's dream. He knocked Dawson up with triplets no less according to the latest ultrasound.

"Sorry, I missed the wedding," he told Casey when they had some down time.

"You were busy with Shay. Besides it was pretty low-keyed just family and close friends." Casey said.

"Did your sister come?" Severide asked.

Casey shook his head. "She's still not talking to me."

"Dawson's people say anything about that?" Severide asked.

"Too busy staring at me with daggers in their eyes. I don't think her brother was joking in the wedding toast when he said if I made Gaby miserable, my body would never be found." Casey said.

Tough break about Dawson's family, but Severide could see their reasons. It wasn't obvious that Casey was over Hallie. Casey tapped him on the shoulder. "Don't worry. You'll have plenty of opportunities to chase bridesmaids at Otis's wedding.'

Otis's wedding was a surprise. His family was so damn nice it was like walking into a Disney movie. Half a dozen little kids scattered flower petals up the nave of the church without screaming, running or picking at each other. People made toasts full of love and good luck and congratulations at the reception. There weren't any drunken fights. Every single relative Otis had was a non-criminal, non-substance abusing solid citizen with a job and probably a good credit rating. No wonder the guy was the way he was.

He found Shay parked on a bench in the foyer of the banquet hall. "Wow! That is Mayberry in there."

"Maybe not entirely. Otis's sister wants to introduce me to girls' volleyball coach at her school." Shay replied.

He handed Shay a beer and sat down. "Nobody wants to introduce their female relatives to me."

They both laughed. He looked over Shay's outfit. When they left the apartment she had been wrapped up in a coat, scarf, and hat, but all that had been shed once they were indoors. Since Shay had spent last few months depressed to the point of catatonic and she didn't get dress up often anyway, he had nearly forgot how beautiful she was. Lesbian Barbie? Nah, she deserved a better description in his head than that. Her skin reminded him of those fancy, limited edition dolls FAO Schwartz sold that weren't for kids. Pretty eyes and her body was perfect. She really should wear slinky green more often. Or maybe, not at least around him. It wasn't going to be easy for him not to think about her as a woman tonight. He took a long swallow from his bottle. "Ms. Volleyball Coach would be lucky."

He meant to kiss her forehead like he had often enough as a supportive friend. Instead his mouth slipped into a place much too soft for friendship. For a moment it was a lover's kiss, white-hot brilliance, but sweet enough to send a diabetic into shock; then, he remembered exactly whom he was with.

"I'm sorry. I wasn't trying anything." _Please don't let her think I was trying to make a pass._ He didn't have any qualms about sex with a woman that also had sex with other women, but Shay was his best friend. Best friends didn't proposition each other.

Her expression was unreadable to him. "It's okay. It was just accident." She reached for his hand and intertwined their fingers. Buddies again. "You should go back into the reception and hit on that red-headed bridesmaid. She's been eyeing you all night and she's not one of Otis's cousins."

She was probably right. Between his surgery and Shay's breakdown he had been celibate, at least with a partner, nearly eight months. Except parts of him, mostly above the waist, didn't want to trade hanging out with Shay for a cheap ejaculation. The part of him below the waist that was intrigued by the way she looked, he could keep that under control. At least he always had been able to keep that under control. Except they touched more now than they ever had before. Shay and him had always been rather physically affectionate friends and after Clarice left she needed a lot of human contact to keep her mind focused on this world. But lately things had been getting messed up in his head. Impulses he thought had been banished years ago flared up and his subconscious was no longer a friend. It had been years since he dreamed about Shay. Now she floated through his involuntary spank bank every night. Yeah, she was right. He needed to go hook up with somebody except the watching the lights bouncing off her eyes seemed more interesting than even a three-way with twin super models. He stood up, but their fingers were still intertwined. "Come dance with me. I've never seen you dance."

Shay shook her head, but she was still smiling. "I don't like dancing." She dropped her hand away. "Go, chase bridesmaids," she ordered.

Later he asked her to grab a ride home with Casey and Dawson, so she would think he found someone when all he really did was drive around the city for a few hours. Lately he did that a lot, so Shay wouldn't notice how his social life had dwindled. Most of the guys he knew were married and actually spent time with their wives and kids. Strip clubs had lost a lot of their thrill especially as he started realizing some of the girls had been born after he lost his virginity. Most of his old bars had either become too depressing or too gentrified. The only places he really felt comfortable anymore were the fire station and home with Shay.

. . . . . . .

By the time Kelly got to the peephole the idiots banging on his front door had been going at for several minutes longer than remotely necessary. He was tempted to ignore the old man and the teenage boy in the hallway, but he noticed the teenager was wearing an LSU cap and they were shivering from what was only mild Chicago cold. Maybe they were relatives of Shay. This was wordlessly confirmed for him by their expressions when he opened the door.

"Sorry to trouble you, mister." The old man said and then he turned to the teenager. "I told you we was in the wrong place."

"Are you looking for Leslie Shay?" Kelly asked.

The men stopped in their tracks and walked back to him. Kelly held out his hand. "Kelly Severide."

"Whoa! We were sure Kelly was a chick.'' the kid exclaimed, but the old man enthusiastically shook his hand. "Don't be minding this boy. He never had no manners. I'm Leslie's Uncle Etienne." He pointed to the teenager. "And this is Raymond, littlest of the Shay boys. Leslie, she always say we should feel free to look her up whenever we come round. We just brought a load of Voodoo beer up and they got to work on truck before we head back."

Kelly and Raymond shook hands. "Does Dad know about you?"

Etienne smacked the side of Raymond's head, but not very hard. "Hush up. She can tell her papa when she feels like it."

"He's not going to be mad that you're living with my sister. Trust me." Raymond said.

"Shay's not here now, but she should be back soon. You want to wait inside for her?" Kelly said.

Shay's relatives didn't have to be asked twice to come inside. "Now this is a nice apartment. It's not cramped and dark like everyone imagines Chicago apartments to be." Etienne said following Kelly into the kitchen.

"We try. How do you take your coffee?" Kelly said. He knew he probably should point out that he and Shay were really platonic roommates, but the old guy seemed so absolutely delighted to find a man sharing living space with his niece, it was almost a shame to ruin it for him.

"Black as the devil's ass," Etienne said. Unfortunately, while they waited for the coffee to brew the old man's folksy charm dropped. "Leslie tell you much about her past?"

"We have a mutual one-night stand," Kelly said hoping to head Etienne away from the topic of his and Shay's personal lives.

"It's good you know about that. Couples shouldn't have any secrets. But I tell you one thing, if I was a young man today, I would consider it a lot better deal to have some old girlfriends rather than some old boyfriends in my woman's past. Women with women, they can't get pregnant and they don't get those diseases the men with men do."

He had to stop the old guy soon. This was getting ridiculous.

"And you want the truth, I think if Leslie had gotten good help after she was attacked, she wouldn't have had all those girlfriends." Etienne said.

Attacked! Shay had told him growing up gay in the South was hell, but she never mentioned being attacked over it. "Shay was attacked?"

"She never told you?" Etienne said. "Maybe it's not my place. No, it is. It's better you know, so you really understand her. She was with this boy from around fourteen to sixteen and we all thought he was nice. We was all wrong because right after her seventeenth birthday he forced himself on her. Beat her up something awful and after she didn't want anything to do with men."

Shay as a rape victim was a brass knuckle punch to gut he hadn't expected. He wasn't one of those guys that thought all a lesbian needed was a good romp in the sack to change her either, but rape added a dimension to Shay's sexual choices that bothered him. It also made him want to go wrap his arms around her this instant and swear to her that he would never let anyone hurt her. For a few dark moments he contemplated what she must have overcome to reach the point where they could touch each other the way they did because Shay didn't act like a victim around him.

He ended up buying dinner for four at Ronny's Chop House because he wanted to make Shay's people happy, he wanted to make Shay happy, and he wanted to find out more about her life before Chicago. Luckily, Etienne had plenty of stories to make Shay smile and blush a little. He wasn't used to seeing her blush. It tinted her checks with rose petals and he didn't think of fancy dolls, but of angels when he looked at her. Of course, it got him into trouble later.

"I see how you watching Leslie during dinner, how your eyes can't keep rolling over her every chance you get." Etienne said when he dropped them off at the warehouse. Without warning the old man hugged him. "You a nice young man, even if you aren't from Louisiana. Rescue Squad Three, Leslie say, you are the best in Chicago."

"Yes, sir," Kelly said.

"You promise, you take care of Leslie. She hadn't had somebody to take care her for a long time." Etienne said.

"Absolutely," Kelly replied. For emphasis he held up his right hand. "I swear on the record of my squad." Another hug. It nearly knocked the wind out of him. The Cajun hugged like an Irishman fought.

"Thanks for being nice to my Uncle Etienne," Shay said when they were back at the apartment.

"He was your family," Kelly said. He hesitated about telling her everything that had been said between him and Etienne that night.

Shay nodded, but worry crossed her face. "I shouldn't have lied to him."

"We didn't lie to him," Kelly reminded her. That was the truth.

"Lied by omission. He thinks we're living together, not just roommates."

So Shay had been aware of at least some of what had been going on. _He told me to take care of you and I promised I would_. No way would she not react badly to that. Instead, Kelly shrugged. "He's not the first to make that assumption and he lives a thousand miles away at least."

"Except he'll tell every relative I have and they'll want to know more about you. And my mother would probably try to visit and I would rather handle a ten car pile-up in the middle of a gang turf war." She said.

"So I guess I shouldn't plan going gator hunting with your Uncle Etienne?" He hoped she would think that was funny.

Instead her nostrils flared. "Go if you want. I wouldn't set foot in Louisiana if Chicago got nuked."

He had finally found that bitter, painful band that he had always guessed lay deep in Shay. "Is that because of the attack?"

Venom filled her gaze.

"Your Uncle Etienne told me. Did you ever go to counseling?" he said.

"I'm not a lesbian because of what happened when I was seventeen." Her eyes were frightening.

'That's not what I meant. Straight or gay being a rape survivor is tough. You know that from the job." The urge to wrap her in his arms was nearly overwhelming. He jammed both fists into his pockets.

"I haven't failed any psych tests, yet," she responded.

He could tell pressing the matter was dangerous. "He was a nice old man. I'm glad I met him."

This seemed to appease Shay. "Yeah, he's the only thing about Louisiana I miss."

"Not even the gator hunting?" he asked.

She smiled. "Alligator hunting is the most idiotic macho sport hunting on the North American continent. They run around a fetid swamp chasing an animal that hasn't evolved since the dinosaurs."

"Sounds awesome!" he said.


	2. Chapter 2

**Chapter 2**

Shay couldn't handle the dreams anymore, but there was no way she could talk to Kelly about them. Dawson was her closest female friend that wasn't an ex-lover and she had certainly seen Dawson through enough emotional turmoil with Matt Casey to have banked up a few lifetimes of reciprocal girlfriend talk. At least Dawson looked radiant instead of exhausted at six months pregnant with triplets.

"You look tired," Dawson said.

"I've been having trouble sleeping,' Shay said.

"So when are you seeing a doctor?" Dawson asked.

Shay knew it was a valid question. Sleep deprivation jeopardized her competency on the job. However she hadn't wanted to admit to anybody what she had been going through, least of all some anonymous bitch with a God complex because she sure as hell wasn't going to Kendra or her regular M.D. Dawson would be a good trial run. If she could explain it to her, she could face the shrinks. "Last week during the ice storm we lost power. Kelly and I slept spoon style to stay warm. He got a hard on that could have been used for pounding nails."

Dawson acted nonchalant. "He probably just needed to go to the bathroom. It's natural with guys, but I can see how it would make you nervous."

"It didn't make me nervous. It made me wet. And since then I keep having these dreams and they are not me! I could understand it maybe if I was riding his face but it's always more than that, either I'm jockeying him or he's on top me and the sex is always so good when I wake up it feels like the sheets are moist." She noticed Dawson's stunned expression and stopped. That had been way too much information. "Sorry," she muttered. "It's just been driving me crazy. Being around him has been driving me crazy. I may have to move out and I don't want to do that because we have always been each other's best friends."

"You're attracted to Severide. Most of the woman in Chicago are." Dawson said quickly.

"I am a lesbian!" Shay said.

"Maybe your bisexual? Plenty of people are. It's no different from being exclusively straight or exclusively gay. Kelly Severide is very, very sexy, plus the two of you have been close for the past eight months and you had a lot of history before." Dawson said. "Of course, the real question is not whether or not you are bisexual, but are you going to do anything about?"

"So I should move out," Shay said.

"Why would you want to move out of a great apartment that you share with your best friend?" Dawson objected.

"Because he is my best friend. I'm not going to risk ruining that because I am having wet dreams about him." Shay said.

"Maybe that isn't going to ruin your friendship. Maybe it's going to change everything into something even better. Kelly and you have the rhythm of lovers, long time, very passionate, utterly adoring lovers. People who don't know you guys well assume you're a couple. And sometimes when I see the way Kelly looks at you." Dawson said.

"What do you mean the way he looks at me?" Shay felt suddenly apprehensive that the mess she was in had been obvious to everyone around her.

"When he thinks no one can see him looking Kelly looks at you like I hope Matt does when I am not able to see his expression. If you're attracted to him, and you know he's attracted to you, maybe it's because there is something there." Dawson said.

The pregnancy hormones had definitely fried Dawson's brain. "It'll all be over by next Monday," Shay said.

"You're going to talk with him?" Dawson's expression indicated she doubted Shay was capable of confronting Kelly on this issue.

"We're taking a long-day weekend and going to this cabin his family owns on the Lake. It supposed to be because I've been under too much stress and need to relax." Shay explained.

"That sounds so romantic. Matt and I didn't even have a real honeymoon. We spent the weekend eating leftovers from the reception while he wallpapered the nursery." Dawson said.

Shay gave up trying to get good advice out of Dawson. Whatever happened this weekend, she was going to have to navigate through it mostly blind. And that scared her almost as much as the possibility of losing Kelly forever.

The cabin was beautiful; no overdone gingerbread decorations just clean straight lines of solid wood with blue and gray trim. It wasn't gigantic either, but just enough to be an escape by the Lake with room for people to relax without it being a hassle to keep clean. "How long has your family had this place?" Shay asked.

"Two decades. Come summer it's a madhouse with all the kids," Kelly said grabbing their bags out of the trunk.

"And this weekend?" she asked.

"Just us," he said.

A weekend in a secluded cabin with a man she was struggling not to be attracted to. Yeah, this was really going to be relaxing. When they got inside, it was worse than she expected. The interior of the cabin was plain browns and greens, but it had a weathered quality she found very appealing, not to mention the mention the furniture looked very, very comfortable. Three large deer heads had been mounted over the fireplace and there were stuffed ducks along the walls. It reminded her of Uncle Etienne's place. That was probably the only house in Louisiana she actually missed.

"I put your bag in the first bedroom. It's the largest." Kelly said.

"How many bedrooms are there?" There better be more than one.

"There's four downstairs though that last one's barely bigger than a closet. The upstairs is all one big loft with about six beds. It's where all the kids get exiled." He explained.

"Not bad," she admitted trying to imagine Severide cousins with kids and Kelly playing with them. He was probably their favorite uncle.

"You look tired. Why don't you go lay down and I'll fix lunch." He suggested.

The bed was an oasis of cool, white sheets. Maybe all she needed was real sleep to get images of Kelly out of her head. It was probably too much to ask for the small town they had passed through to have a dyke bar, but a girl could dream. She woke up when Kelly knocked on her door. At least he hadn't come into the room to wake her up.

The kitchen smelled of steaks and baked potatoes cooked over charcoal. Their table had a cloth and blue enamel dishes. No candles or flowers, but it was a seduction meal even if he had the sense to serve her beer rather than wine. She should be angry. On the other hand she knew that Kelly had never made so much effort with any woman before. But that shouldn't give any satisfaction. This was wrong. It was all really wrong. She brought the matter to a head. "What's this really about?"

He tried to deflect the question. "Eating a nutritionally balanced lunch."

"You know what I mean: this weekend, the cabin, you cooking for me. Kelly, I have always respected you, despite everything, because you never tried to hit on me." She said.

Her words hung in the air between them, but she could see the calculations going on behind his eyes. Obviously, he hadn't expected her to be so direct. His gaze met hers, soft and vulnerable, the way Kelly rarely was in life. The cocky hero had disappeared at least for awhile and he looked almost nervous. "That's not how I meant anything."

He started to reach for her hand over the table, but stopped. Smart move. At this point, she would have jabbed him with a fork.

"We've been friends for long time, but lately things have been strained," he said.

"We've both been too isolated from other people. In a few weeks things will be back to normal." She said.

"Or maybe we finally let our guards down long enough for our real emotions to surface," he said. "You're my best friend, but sometimes I think there's more. And don't say we're not right for each other because the way I see it we may not be right for anyone else. It can't be any harder to say together than it has been to stay apart."

"Smooth, but I liked it better in _the Cutting Edge_," she said.

"It's the most romantic movie I can remember lines from. It's probably one of the most romantic movies you remember. That's why were so good together, we have the same taste." He said.

"We did both sleep with Corrine," she reminded him.

That seemed to knock him off course for a few minutes. "Okay, not my finest moment, but it was just sex," he said.

"Same here. It was always just sex between her and me." Why had she admitted that? It shouldn't matter because Kelly was not a potential love interest or even a sex interest. She did not choose to think about him that way.

Unfortunately, he kept talking. "Truth is most of the appeal was that she had been with you. You can't say it would be that way if you and me get together. You're the only woman I've ever thought, yeah, I can spend the next fifty years living with her."

She channeled all the ice she could into her throat. "Aren't you forgetting something? I like women."

"I think you would like me that way too if we worked on it," he said.

"You're ego doesn't quit, does it? What is this? Let me guess, turning a lesbian is item one or two on Kelly Severide's all-time guy list? I can't believe you would try this macho bullshit on me." she said.

"It's not ego. You know things have changed. When I kissed you at Otis's wedding, the world burned to ash around me." He said.

She had tried to forget about that kiss. It had been too rich and too much of a rush like doing shots of crème de menthe topped with melted fudge.

He moved closer. At least he still wasn't trying to touch her. "After Otis' wedding I didn't go home with a bridesmaid. I drove around the city and wished I could go home to you. Really go home that is. I just wanted to get back to the apartment, climb into bed with you, and not leave until we had to get up for work."

"Should have gone home with a bridesmaid," Shay said.

His eyes burned. "It wasn't about sex and you know it."

"You're willing to throw away years of friendship for a fling?" She hoped he could feel the full the acid in her voice.

He shook his head. "No, you've got it all wrong. I don't want a fling with you. I want to marry you."

"You're out of your mind!" Kelly had finally crossed that line where his behavior went from erratic to absolutely crazy.

"No, I am thinking right for the first time in a long while. We're best friends. There's nobody I love more than you. We'll work on the sex until we get it right for both of us." He said. He finally made contact with her over the tabletop. Just their fingertips touched, but it felt more powerful, an electric current running from his body to hers, and she couldn't pull away. "It hurt when you lost Wesley. I know we can't just replace him, but if we had a baby together no one could take that child away from you."

A soft smile crossed his lips. She knew that smile. At least, it was genuine. "You wanted me to be your sperm donor, so I know you don't have objections to my DNA. This would be even better. Our kid would have a family; a mother and a father together."

She had wanted him as sperm donor, but what he was suggesting was too crazy, too dangerous. "You know what this is Kelly? All your friends are married, having families, and oh, my god, Matt Casey is about to be the father of triplets. You just can't stand not being part of the competition and I am the only woman still speaking to you who is not a straight up slut or somebody's wife." Why did her voice always go high when she got mad? Life would be so much easier if she got gravely with rage instead of this magpie screech. Hopefully, Kelly had known her long enough to know this was her angry voice.

"You know me better than that," he said.

"I don't know you at all! Not if you can say, seriously what you just said to me!" She got up from the table. She had to get away from Kelly because right now all she wanted to strangle him. Fury was a white, hot flame consuming her body. In her mind she could see her hands going around his throat, his face turning red, his eyes careening in spasms from the lack of oxygen. She knew it was impossible for her to physically overpower him though, but it didn't stop her from wanting to pummel him. Except she knew her hands would only hit hard muscle. It would probably hurt her fists more than it would hurt him, but she so wanted to pound him.

"Calm down," Kelly said.

"Fuck you!" She grabbed her jacket and headed for the door. She absolutely hated it when anyone tried to handle her, especially Kelly. How dare he? How dare he act like he was the rational one when he ready to throw away years of friendship for a roll in the sheets? She shouldn't be surprised. He always had been just walking gland. But she thought Kelly was different, the one man who understood her, respected her, cared about her. In the end they were all alike. Bastards!


	3. Chapter 3

**Chapter 3**

Kelly thought Shay would be back within ten minutes. The wind off the Lake was freezing this time of year. She would still be mad, but maybe not as blazing hot in fury. She probably still wouldn't talk to him, but maybe tomorrow, after a good night's sleep, she would. He shouldn't have pushed them as a couple so quick. His first instinct had been to suggest them having a baby together as partners like some lesbians and gay men did. He knew Dawson's pregnancy had set her biological clock off and he could marshal plenty of arguments that a partnership between them was a better arrangement to raise a child than a relationship built on anything else. All the multiple marriages in their families were ample testament of that. But by working together they could give their kid the stable family life neither one of them had growing up. Of course, once she actually was pregnant, and he was prepared to accomplish that with a turkey baster, he would have slid her into marriage with the argument that it just meant less paperwork in regard to their kid's rights. After that it would have been a long, slow seduction depending on how much rape trauma Shay had to deal with until the morning came when he woke up really married to his best friend. Sometimes he had even imagined a moment when she woke in his arms for the first time and awkwardly asked, "What are we doing?" In his dreams he always quickly replied, "Acting like a happy married couple," before a long kiss good morning. Then they would take their son or daughter or maybe even one of each, if they got really lucky, out on the Lake in a boat he had restored and it would be the first of a long line of great family days.

When it started raining outside he called Shay's cell and it rang in the house. After that he called the local police, the state highway patrol, and the Lake patrol. Hell and damnation! It was his fault if she got hurt. He shouldn't have spooked her. He was half considering calling the National Guard when he saw a squad car pull into the driveway. A giant county cop carried Shay inside wrapped in an emergency blanket. She was covered in frozen mud.

"We found her in the rain gully about half a mile from here," the other cop, a female officer said. "We tried to take her to the ER, but she refused."

Kelly held out his and Shay's ID's. "I am a fire fighter. She's a paramedic. We know what signs to look out for."

"She should have that ankle looked at. Could be broken." the male officer said.

"I just twisted it," Shay snarled.

"She's okay," Kelly said.

"Uh, huh," the female officer said. After a cursory glance at their ID's, the locals only seemed interested in finishing their paperwork. At least, they didn't seem to think Shay was in anymore danger and left.

Waking back to the couch where Shay sat a dozen different impulses rampaged through his head. He wanted to hold her as tight as he could because he was so glad she was okay and he had been scared crazy. Part of him wanted to yell at her for being so stupid in this weather. Another part of him knew he should apologize for upsetting her. And the most primitive, lizard brain part of him wanted to just fail at her feet and beg her not to leave him again. He opted for sitting down on the couch at her side. A cone of silence descended over them. It was never this quiet in the city. He could hear the electric hum of the lamp on the table beside him. Finally he turned toward Shay. She hadn't moved from where the cop had sat her down. "I was worried about you," he said.

She didn't say anything.

He noticed she was shaking, not much, but enough. The room wasn't cold at all. Cautiously he moved a closer. If he touched her too quickly, it would only make things worse. "What's wrong?"

"I don't want to lose you," she said. There was a blade in her voice, but it seemed to cut both ways because he could see tears leaking out of her eyes.

"You won't. Not now. Not ever." He said. He couldn't help it. His arms had to go around Shay when she was on the edge of crying. It was like gravity. At least she didn't push him away, but her skin was corpse cold. "You need to wash the mud off and get into some warm clothes."

She nodded, but made no attempt to move. He continued to hold her. It was getting dark outside and she hadn't stopped shaking. Slowly he picked her up. "I am carrying you into the bathroom. You don't need to walk on that ankle." Hopefully, that would reassure her and she wouldn't freak out. But she stayed silent on him and that was even worse. _Damn it, Shay, I don't know what's going on in your head unless you tell me_.

All the bathrooms in the cabin were leftovers from the fifties and lacked showers, but there was a giant tub in the one nearest Shay's bedroom. He ran water for her; then, when Shay didn't move, he picked her again and carefully laid her in the tub, clothes and all. He figured that would be the less upsetting them him trying to undress her. Except all she did was stare at the wall in front of her. He was going to have to do the rest. Somehow he was going to have to clean her up and convince Shay he was not trying to hit on her while he did it. Slowly he undid her blouse. "Sh, forget it's me. Just imagine I'm Dawson." Okay maybe that wasn't the best choice. Dawson was one hell of a sexy woman.

He removed her mud-splattered blouse, laid it in the sink; and then, unclasped her bra. _Eyes to the floor, boy_. Under any normal circumstances, hell under just about any circumstances, it would have been difficult for him to not look at her naked breasts, but she needed his strength, not his weaknesses now.

She slid lower into the tube. The warm water was putting her muscles at ease. She was relaxing finally, losing some of her anxiety. Kelly hazarded a glance at her from the corner of his eye. She seemed better, but still a mess. He picked up the soap and worked up a rich lather. "Forget it's me again. I am just one of your friends right now. I am just someone who is here to help you."

He washed off her throat and the slope beneath, then hesitantly as if he were handling blown crystal glass he touched her breast. His gaze met hers for a split second and he wanted to say, "Yes, I am very aware of where I am touching you and I wish I didn't enjoy it.", but instead he found the right words. "Forget it's me. Don't be upset."

The half-circles of her breasts pushed against his hands. He ignored how quickly her nipples puckered into rosebuds. It was only a natural reaction to the water and his hands. It was probably embarrassing Shay too. Thank god, he didn't need to clean below her waist. Afterwards he sat down on the floor beside the tub and enjoyed the moment. She was safe and with him.

She spoke finally. "The water is getting cold."

"I'll get you a towel." He scrambled up and got the largest towel he could, but he wasn't fast enough to avoid seeing her rise out of the water like Venus stepping from the ocean, soft, wet, perfect.

He was thoroughly familiar with the geography of a woman's body, but the way he felt as he really looked at Shay naked for the first time was something new. It didn't just affect his groin. His whole body seemed to rebel. Air was sucked out of his lungs and his heart pounded dangerously like a man on the edge of multiple attacks. Her marble white skin was without blemish made of gentle slopes and rolling curves. Her breasts drew his attention like twin fires, their centers still pert and beckoning. His eyes roamed lower to her waist. The curls between her hips were the color of flame. For a moment the only thing on his mind was plunging face deep into that crimson heaven. He wanted to explore every valley and hidden crevice she had. Shay trembled. Instantly, his gaze went back up to her face. She didn't look annoyed, but kind of frightened. She must have realized what he was thinking.

He wrapped the towel around her hoping to carry on as if nothing had changed. He had to take care of her, not try to make love to her even though the fire burning in his body was hardest he ever fought. But he couldn't stop every instinct. Shay was weak, so he did for her what he would have done for any injured person. He picked her up again. "You shouldn't walk on that ankle." He repeated, so she wouldn't protest.

He took her to bedroom that was supposed to be hers. She didn't say anything as he dressed her in one of his shirts and rolled up the oversized sleeves. Suddenly Shay's arms went into a tight lock around his neck. "Thank you," she whispered.

He shook his head. "You shouldn't be thanking me. You should be hitting me. I shouldn't have moved so fast on you. You ran out of here and nearly froze because I'm an ape."

She patted his shoulder. "You're not an ape. You're my best friend."

He kissed her hand. "I'll always be your best friend." He couldn't stop the feelings tumbling through him. Trying to deny them hurt so much. "I love you, Shay. I want to spend the rest of my life with you."

She looked like she understood his feelings, but was still fighting bad memories. "The last man who said that to me raped me."

"I'm not him. You know I'm not him." Kelly said. He kissed her hand again. "Go to counseling with me. Give me his name and I'll hunt him down and disembowel him.

She smiled for the first time. "Don't be a drama queen. Besides rumor has it Uncle Etienne turned him into gator bait."

He was mesmerized by the golden glow in her deep eyes. She really did have the face of an angel painted on church walls. He had to taste her satin flesh at least once. One kiss that would be enough he told himself. One honey touch and he would be content until there was a better time to express his feelings. But his tongue slide into her mouth before he could get himself under control. She was salt and silk. The universe flew behind his eyelids while he kissed her and then something inexplicably wonderful happened. Shay's tongue found his. She fell back against the bed taking him with her.

Kisses became drops of molten gold. The more he touched her the more his need grew. His fingers sought the soft cushion of her breasts with all the eagerness of a teenage boy in his first awkward explorations because with Shay it wasn't the same as with other women. This was real. This feeling between two people was the reason the world existed. Carefully, he pulled his mouth away from her just long enough to say the right words. He moved closer until his face was right next to hers. "I've got to hear you say yes."

"Yes. Yes. I...want you."

That answer was probably all he could hope for tonight. He stripped and got into the bed. Real fear was coursing in his veins again. _Do not make a mistake. There will not be a second chance_. He slid close to Shay. "I feel like I am seventeen again."

"Why?" she asked.

"Because that's when I lost it. She was my trig teacher." Nowadays they would call what had happened to him statutory rape at least, but he knew it had not been remotely similar to what Shay had endured. It had started him on the long spiral of empty sex with any available women however. Hopefully tonight that was ending.

Slowly he kissed his way down her neck. He had wanted this for so long. And it wasn't just sex. Shay wasn't a drug or an addiction. She was a part of him that had been missing. Now they were together and if, if he did this right, nothing could ever take her away from him again. He captured one nipple with his tongue. Her skin seemed so delicate he was suddenly afraid of bruising her. Gently he sucked on the bud. She quivered under him and wrapped her arms around his head. He let his hands roam lower, down the smooth slope of her stomach until finally stopping at that soft vortex between her hips. He paused, actually froze was probably the better description. Of his skills as a cocksman he was justly proud. Plenty of women had told him he hit sweet spots they hadn't even known existed. In erotic massaging, he was less sure of his skills and he knew real lesbian sex, not the stuff that appeared in porn, involved a lot of erotic massaging. He felt Shay's hand covering his, one finger over the other. Wordlessly she showed him just how to please her. He gazed up into her eyes, saw only radiance growing, and started kissing her again. Soon enough she was moaning into his mouth. Her slick wetness below only inflamed him, but he felt very cautious about the next move. Shay's hand disengaged from his and moved to his waist.

"I guess it's my turn now," she said.

"You don't have to touch me yet, if you don't want to," he said. "I'm not built like Clarice."

A quirky grin shot across her lips. He had a feeling she wanted to say, "No shit, Sherlock," but chose not to. A moment later she claimed his hard-on. Her fingers were a branding iron leaving the words property of Leslie Shay on his manhood. He bit down on the pillow to suppress the animal growls that formed in his throat with her caresses.

"Oh, yeah, you're definitely not like Clarice, even if she wore a strap-on," Shay teased him gently.

He got his voice under control. "But my parts are okay with you?"

Her smile shot through him. "Your parts seem very worth exploring."

"You won't regret it," he vowed. He got on top of her, lining them up, but was afraid to put too much of his weight on her the first time. Then she took control guiding him to the burning edge of her sweetness. She was giving him the permission she had given no other man before and the honor overwhelmed him. The universe stopped moving when he slid into Shay. For once he understood the phrase and they shall be one flesh in regards to sex. He had never felt this close to anyone. Sex had never felt so right, or so pure and monumental at the same time before. But he worried about Shay. "Am I hurting you?" he asked.

Her only response was to mate their mouths together in a fiery chasm of a kiss that made his head spin further out of control. She was everything he ever wanted: a friend tough enough to keep him in line and a lover who cared so much he couldn't imagine betraying their trust. It only took a few seconds for them to find the right rhythm. Their heartbeats came together with every movement. He realized he was making love for the first time, not like all the other empty sex that had filled his life. She was so awesome it sucked all the energy out of his body to watch her panting underneath him. Shay became a conquistador and he was conquered territory. He didn't want be with another woman after this intensity. When she came a sweet surge filled him in way sex alone could never satisfy.

Afterwards he didn't feel just tired like usually followed sex. It was more of a completeness with Shay in his arms and it occurred to him that this was probably the first time in a long history of bedmates that he really wanted to cuddle after sex. He was even up for some pillow talk if she wanted it.

"So I we're friends with benefits now?" Shay said.

He tightened his arms around her. "We're lovers now."

Shay traced the lines of his chest with her fingertips. Hopefully that was curiosity. He was afraid to ask her what she thought. He was terrified she would say that no matter what they felt for each other she still needed a woman. She gazed up at him finally. Her eyes seemed to hold the whole night sky and then some. "You're really good at this."

His heart felt too big for his chest. He pulled her up and slowly kissed every inch of her mouth. "So are you," he said. She looked away. That was Shay's I-don't-believe-you behavior. He turned her face back toward him, so he could see her eyes. "I meant it. You're the best. The best ever." He kissed her again and again. If she wouldn't believe his words maybe she would believe the responses of his body. He was prepared to spend all night loving every inch of her or die trying. And he was nearly overwhelmed by her stamina. If that wasn't proof they were meant to be together, he didn't know what was.

"How many condoms do we have left?" Shay asked deep in the night. She was on top of him. It had been that way for a while.

He felt around on the dresser. "I'll get more from my suitcase." When he tried to gently move her hips, she clamped down on him even harder.

"I got a better idea," she whispered in his ear.

What followed was the most passionate, intensely erotic sixty-nine he had ever experienced. "That was incredible!" He managed to say once he got control of his mouth again.

She lay down beside him. "Thanks, I am not use to working on such large projects."

He couldn't help it. He burst out laughing. Shay had the most absolutely perfect sense of humor. He laid one arm around her. "How did I do?"

A sweet, snarky smile crossed her face. "Don't try to act like you've never gone down on a woman before."

He kissed a spot on her neck where he had left his mark earlier. "This is the first time I've gone down on a woman who has had your vast experience with so many expert practitioners."

Her nose crinkled up adorably. She traced his lips with her fingertips. "You're very creative. You're very thorough. It's almost like you had a vagina in a past life."

He felt proud. "I love you." It came so easily. Saying those words never had before which is why he had almost never said them and even then had never meant them.

Shay's eyes lost their softness. "Don't ruin the moment."

Looks like they weren't over that divide yet, but hopefully he would have more strength tomorrow. Instead of pushing forward, he retreated. "Okay, if I lay here for a while"

"I'm not going to kick you out of bed," she said.

He felt a smile he couldn't stop. That sounded like hope. And Shay didn't pull away from him either. Her head landed on his shoulder. _Stay there. I want to sleep this way forever._ He wanted to say that, but knew he shouldn't. She was warm and she fitted against him perfectly. It was the best night's sleep he had in his life.

He woke up alone the next morning. For a few minutes it was blind panic until he found Shay wrapped in a blanket on the front porch eating her yogurt. "Don't do that to me again," he said.

She gave him an are-you-shitting-me look. "You were sound asleep."

"So, after what happened yesterday, wake me up when you leave the cabin." He sat down beside her. The cold air nipped at his feet and ankles. His urges were all for crawling into Shay's blanket, but he knew from the way she was staring into space, she wouldn't be receptive to cuddling. Her yogurt was barely touched. He plucked it from her hand. "Come on. Let me make you a real breakfast."

Kelly knew he lacked most domestic skills, but he could make pancakes, thick and fluffy with slivers of walnuts and boysenberries. Shay ate two helpings before protesting. "I'm going to gain ten pounds from one meal."

He leaned over touching his forehead to hers. "We can sweat it off together."

"I bet you would like that." Her voice had teeth.

"So would you and you know it." Okay way wrong words. Now her gaze had teeth. "I meant we're good together and you know that." He kissed her palm. He wanted to pull her closer, but Shay didn't look likely to respond well. "I meant what I've said. I want to spend the rest of my life with you."

She pulled away. "We were having a good time. Why do you have to ruin it?"

He tried to remain calm. Maybe he could talk through this. "How is me saying that ruining anything?

"Because I thought you respected me enough, not to try feeding me lines," she said.

His temperature was rising. "These aren't lines. I have never shared as much with anyone as I've shared with you. And you know I have never said this to any woman. I never even told my ex-fiancée I loved her."

"Probably why she's the ex-fiancée," Shay snapped.

Frustration boiled over. "What the hell do you want me to do? Wear a male chastity belt? Have your name tattooed on my cock?"

Shay's face cracked and she started laughing. Well, it was better than her angry at him. "A male chastity belt?" she said.

"They make them. I found a few sites on the Internet." He said.

"That is so absolutely kinky," she said.

He brushed a strand of hair behind her ear. "Maybe, but I would do it to keep you."

She stood up. "It would never work. I'm a lesbian."

He grabbed her hands and pulled her closer. "I think we established last night that you are somewhere on the bisexual side of the spectrum. They say most of the human race is if we would all admit it." He kissed her hands. "I can sexually satisfy you! And emotionally, you're already my wife."

"And what am I supposed to do about your sex life? Pretend to be blind when you have sex with other women?" She asked.

"I don't need other women. With you it's different. Even the idea of betraying what we have, makes me want to throw up." He said.

"That's romantic?" she quipped.

"It's the truth," he responded. "I thought you would appreciate the honesty." He kissed her hands again. He had one plea left. "At least, give me a chance."

"A chance to do what?" the old Shay asked.

"To show you what a great life we could have together," he replied.

They went out on the Lake despite the weather, so she could see one of the boats he had worked on in action. It seemed to make Shay happy even it got teeth chattering cold. Then he carried her back to the cabin from the boat claiming the cold air made her ankle more delicate. He was fairly certain none of her ex-girlfriends could do that for her though he wasn't going to risk a fight by mentioning it. Miraculously, Shay didn't protest. At the cabin, they got warm in each other's arms on the couch.

Kelly noticed the clock was well past noon. "I could make lunch," he suggested.

"I'm still full of pancakes," Shay replied.

"I got a stack of monster movies," he suggested.

"You did plan this well, but I'm tired," she said.

He held his breath when she unbuttoned his shirt and laid her head against his chest. He couldn't see her eyes, but he felt her fingertips circling one of his nipples. Lightening shot through his body when she kissed him there. "Shay, I want to say it again."

Her voice was heavy with sleep. "It's too soon, way too soon." A few minutes later he could tell she was asleep. He kissed the top of her head. "I love you, Shay."


	4. Chapter 4

**Chapter 4**

She woke up under Kelly's arm. Careful not to disturb him, she turned over until she could see his face. There must be some outside lights because moonlight through the window wouldn't be so bright. Traces of silver highlighted his face. A man shouldn't look so beautiful. What was she doing here? Loving Kelly as a friend was easy. He made a great best friend. But as a lover? Most people would say she was out of her mind to try a relationship with him of all men. Except she knew the side of Kelly most people didn't. She remembered the hours he cried after the first Renee betrayed him. Most people thought he was habitual womanizer. The truth was all he really did was catch whatever was thrown at him and the pool of women willing to throw themselves at a good-looking Rescue Squad firefighter was pretty large. But was she going to be able to handle it when the next Nikki mailed her thong to him? She would probably want to claw her eyes out. She had certainly wanted to shred the original Nikki's face and possibility of a sexual relationship with Kelly then had been completely off radar. She had been territorial with the second Renee and it had hurt a lot more than she ever wanted to admit when he had started to leave for Madrid. That still didn't mean they should be together like this. Except she doubted it was possible to turn back now, so their friendship was dead. It was like losing Clarice and Wesley again.

Her crying woke up Kelly because suddenly both his arms were around her. "What's wrong?"

"I don't want to lose our friendship," she admitted.

He kissed her. "You're not."

Now reminded her too much of the nights she lain awake crying over the family she had lost. Kelly had held her plenty of those nights. Of course, they had been wearing considerably more clothes.

"It's okay," he whispered. "Everything is going to be okay."

She felt a coolness between her breast and a chain against her neck and realized what it was without looking. Nervously she rubbed his Saint Florian medal between her fingers. "Your grandmother gave you this." Grandmother Severide was dead over a decade and Kelly had worn the medal ever since she had known him. Neither she nor Kelly was a particularly devote Catholics, but the patron saint of firefighters was a level of sacred not to be played with.

Kelly kissed the medal; then, pressed it against her chest. "She would want you to wear this. Protecting you is the best way to protect me now."

It took another twelve hours for her to ask the question that had been burning in her head from the beginning. "How long have you planning this?"

She had expected him to look away or to look embarrassed. Instead he met her gaze without any reservation. "About a week and a half once it became obvious you needed to relax."

She threw a pizza crust at him. "You know what I mean. How long have you been thinking about the two of us having sex?"

His expression didn't change though his voice became sober. "When I first met you I thought about doing you, but that was just straight guy wiring. When you told me you were a lesbian it stayed in the back of my mind regardless. Then you became my best friend, so I had to force myself to put those fantasies under lock and key. It worked for a long while until we needed each other and then nothing I could do would stop what I was feeling."

She hadn't planned a response for him saying something like that. Kelly licked a smear of pizza sauce off her fingers. "Your turn," he said. "The night of the blackout, we slept in the same bed. Did you think about us having sex?"

Her face burned. "Not voluntarily."

This time Kelly kissed her hand. "I knew it! I am always going to remember how you squirmed in my arms that night."

She hit him with a large piece of crust. "You don't have to be such a jerk about it."

His expression softened. "Sorry, that's not how I meant it. I am always going to remember that night because it was the first time I thought maybe, I'm not alone in the way I felt. It gave me hope instead of feeling guilty about how much I enjoyed holding you. That's what I was trying to say."

She wasn't prepared to deal with Kelly like this. He was saying the right things. It was all the words she had dreamed of hearing, but from Clarice or even Corinne, maybe. Damn! This was not the way her life was supposed to be. She should be in a refurbished downtown loft comparing prints of the Gee's Bend Quilts with a Sandra Bullock look alike. Instead she was in a cabin by the Lake in the arms of a man who could probably be a body double for the next Superman and the Id primitive lizard portion of her brain was actually enjoying their time together.

They spent the rest of the weekend in bed. Well, at least she did. Kelly got up to pay the pizza delivery guy and to make her more absolutely divine pancakes. She had to give him is due. He was every bit capable of cashing the checks his ego wrote. There was hardly an inch of her body that had been left unexplored or unaroused. He would electrify her senses until she nearly lost consciousness from the pleasure then caress her back to reality. Afterwards his chest was the perfect pillow.

"You look sad again. Did I do something wrong?" he asked.

She shook her head. "I was just thinking about all the snarky things Dawson and I use to say about your revolving bed partners. I just realized I am one of them now."

He kissed her forehead. "No, you're not. Just say the word, and you walk back into the firehouse as Mrs. Severide."

"That's not going to change anything," she said.

"Yeah, it would," he said.

She felt his fingers working their way lower on her back. He had such marvelous hands. She should stop him. She shouldn't let him distract her from the reality of the situation with sex. They ought to talk about this. But they didn't. He kissed her and the world fell away.

"Marry me, Shay?" he whispered.

"Stop asking," she managed to say as his lips began their match across her jaw.

He captured her mouth and teased her with his tongue. "Say yes and I'll stop asking."

"It's too soon to even think like that," she said.

He rolled their bodies over in one smooth stroke.

"Where did you learn that move?" she asked. The question had become pillow talk with them.

"A paramedic taught me." His smile was dazzling. Drugs ran in her veins when she looked at him and all she could think about was sex.

The last night at the cabin she wore one of his muscle shirts and let him feed her triangles of grilled cheese and fruit slices.

"You have beautiful shoulders," Kelly said as he played with the strap. "Will you let me buy you lingerie?"

"No way. You would probably pick out something sick and perverted." She hopped on to his lap causing the mattress to bounce a little. He grabbed her bottom to hold them both steady. His eyes were playful.

"There's a shop called _Intimates_ over by the big _Eddie Bauer_. There was a nightgown in their window I wanted to buy you, but I didn't have the nerve. It was blue silk." His fingers touched the furrow between her breasts. "With a little yellow band that ran down the front."

"You know those are the colors in my paramedic uniform," she said.

He looked surprised. Apparently, he hadn't actually made the connection. A blush crept onto his checks and then another million-dollar grin. "I guess I am sick and perverted." He kissed her shoulder. "Anything you want to see on me?"

In a split second she thought of things: silk boxers that teased with the outline of his shape and a robe the same color as his eyes. Instead of allowing her mind to think about possibilities that would only prolong this craziness past their expiration date she made a joke. "Plaid. Plaid flannel is the ultimate lesbian seduction wear."

"You know I think my Aunt Ruth sent me a pair of winter pajamas in lumberjack plaid. If I dig them up will you sleep in the top if I wear the bottoms?" he asked.

"That wouldn't keep either one of us warm." Kelly's ears seemed more interesting for nibbling than an apple slice now. She was always amazed at how soft his skin was. All the heat exposure should have turned him into leather instead he reminded her of velvet. His hands went underneath the shirt gliding over places that had seemed to lie dormant before, but were now awake. Most of her apprehensions and anxieties over what they were doing had long since been changed into wonder. It was always so different. Each time they were together she thought they had reached their limits until the next time. Each next time, he pushed her over another abyss. His mouth went between her breasts. It was like he was literally kissing her heart.

She locked gazes with him. If the eyes were the windows of the soul, Kelly had knocked out the glass in his venting his emotions out in the atmosphere around them.

"I would keep you warm," he said.

_I bet you would._ She let that die before it reached her lips. Suddenly an image formed in her head of them making out back at their apartment. She was wearing that pajama top only he had undone all the buttons and was kissing every part of her that was exposed. When his lips reached her breast her hands went to his waist, pulled down his waistband, and shoved him back unto the coach. Suddenly he laid two fingers against her mouth, winked and whispered, don't wake the baby. In the fantasy she pushed his hand away and said, "This may be our last chance on the couch. Once she learns to walk we can only have sex behind locked doors."

Kelly jarred her back to reality. "You okay?"

She nodded, but felt awkward. "I was just lost in thought."

"About me?" he asked.

The truth was way too dangerous. "You're ego doesn't quit."

His arms went up around her back pulling her closer. "It's not my ego. It's my hope." He covered her body with kisses. She wasn't use to lovers this thorough. There was no quick sex with them. He worshiped all the nicks and curves stringing her out until passion was the lifeline and he was the tether point. Sweet heaven, did Kelly have to be so good at this?

The next day when it was time to leave she felt her chest breaking open. The cabin had been their Eden where nothing could contaminate the surge of feelings they had succumb to, but like all perfect things she knew it couldn't last.

"Don't be sad. We'll come back." Kelly said once they were both in the car.

"It won't be the same," she said.

He leaned over and kissed her cheek. "Yes, it will. Mostly. We'll probably get stuck with that forth bedroom for a while. One day, it will be our kids upstairs in the loft playing with their cousins all night."

When Clarice and she had been together they had talked about a cabin on the Lake and lazy summers watching their children play. She felt his lips against her face again. When she gazed up his eyes were mesmerizing in their intensity. "Everything is going to be a lot better for both of us from now on," he said.


	5. Chapter 5

**Chapter 5**

Kelly parked the car in front of the fire station then leaned over to her, but she dodged him. "One kiss before we have to spend the next forty-eight hours not touching each other," he said.

"If I do that everyone will know," she said.

"Everyone is going to know the minute I take my pants off," he reminded her. "Mistress please," he whispered.

"Stop that." She pushed on his shoulder. Ever since they had visited that sex shop bondage terms had been slipping into his vocabulary. It was getting irritating. "Everyone is going to think we're freaks."

"So," he responded, then he leaned in close again. "I got news for you, they already think we're freaks."

His eyes were more beautiful than a man's should be. She felt herself melting. He was wearing that thing. She couldn't believe he had even bought it, let alone that he would wear it. She could handle a kiss as long as he didn't put his tongue in her mouth. If he did that, she would have a meltdown and they would possibly end up having sex on the front seat of the car. "No tongue?"

He nodded solemnly and she pressed her lips against his. Sweet bliss! She felt his fingers sliding between her shirt buttons and was about the scream at him to stop, but he only pulled his Saint Florian medal out and laid it out in the open against her shirt. Still the touch left her wired. This was going to be the longest forty-eight hours of her life. She got out of the car before Kelly could try to open the door for her or do something else equally stupid. People always did stupid things right after they started having sex. She always hated that. Her phone rang. Dawson, again! She shut it off and trudged into the firehouse. She couldn't deal with all this right now.

* * *

The kiss in the car left his lips stinging in an all too good way, but was more important than that. He knew the guys at the table had watched. Acclimating them to the new reality with the least amount of trouble was his morning priority. Judging from the whispers and the hanging lips when he reached the table he was off to a slightly better than he had hoped for start.

Capp spoke first. "Did I just see what I thought I saw?"

This was no time for attitude. Kelly kept his expression neutral. "Yeah, Shay and I sorted out some stuff this weekend.."

A chorus of woes went around the table. Capp raised his hand in half of a high five. "If anyone can turn a lesbian . . ." Capp's comment died on his lips and he put his arm down quickly.

"Actually, she turned me," Kelly said.

"Into what?" Capp asked.

"A monogamist. Shay's going to be my wife." Kelly announced.

The silence was absolute. There were rules at the table. Fireflies, one-nights, and even girlfriends were fair game for just about anything anyone wanted to suggest, but wives were off-limits. Heads started to nod. Congratulations were forth coming because Shay was smoking hot and low-maintenance. After that it was life as usual. Sometimes his gaze strayed to Shay when she walked across the fire station, but he knew they weren't in high school, so making out in storage rooms and closets weren't options. Still he thought about it, among other things, such as how lonely sleeping alone that night was going to be. Then there was that moment when she passed by a little too close and his urges for touching her were almost too great to resist. But he did resist though that would have made for a great and perfect morning, Shay in his arms, surrounded by his squad, life couldn't have got any better for Kelly Severide. He got called into Chief Boden's office mid afternoon.

"Both you and Shay have been at this fire station a long time, so I am going to assume that you can both conduct yourself in professional manner despite any changes that occur outside of work," Boden said.

"Absolutely, sir," he said.

"Now about the unusual device you and Shay have chosen to symbolize your relationship," Boden said.

"It's not going to create a safety issue with any of our equipment, if that's what you are thinking?" Kelly said.

"What I am thinking is that if you were a woman, I would be dragging you to a domestic violence counselor right now. But since you're about twice Shay's weight, so I'm going to assume you can look after yourself." Boden said.

"I appreciate that, Chief," Kelly said.

"You couldn't have just bought her a ring?" Boden asked.

"I'm trying," Kelly admitted.

"What?" Boden asked.

Okay, maybe he shouldn't have shared that with Chief Boden. "She won't marry me because she thinks it wouldn't mean anything and that I would eventually cheat on her. I got to convince her I won't stray."

Boden nodded. "You may be wearing that thing for a long time."

* * *

Casey cornered her at the kitchen table.

"Gaby's bringing me some extra shirts," he said.

"You have a very caring and devoted wife." Shay tried to appear engrossed in her paperwork.

A hand came down in the middle of her pages. "Will you please go talk to her when she gets here, so my six-months pregnant with triplets wife doesn't have to make up excuses to waddle down here to check on you."

Dawson still had her luminous pregnancy glow. It was beginning to freak Shay out. No woman should look so happy when she obviously had to be so uncomfortable. "What happened? Tell me everything. Matt won't tell me anything. He says you've got to be the one to tell me."

It was wrong and she knew it was wrong, but Shay prayed for a run. "Let's go outside."

They went to the car. "You're coming to work together now?" Dawson exclaimed.

"We live together. We've always carpooled." Except for the nights when at least one of use wanted to chase women. Dawson had to be starved for excitement.

"What happened?" Dawson demanded.

"We went to the cabin. He asked me to marry him. We fought. I almost froze to death. We screwed like crazed weasels in heat." Shay said.

"Wait! Wait, you got a marriage proposal from a man, from Kelly Severide, the first time you had sex with him?" Dawson was too enthusiastic.

_Actually girlfriend it was before we ever even had sex._ But this wasn't a female pissing contest over who got her man fastest. She had never even wanted a man at all. This just happened and now she had to deal with it. Dawson was supposed to be her friend. She was supposed to be sympathetic listener when there were problems and God knows she had done a lot of listening with Dawson about Matthew Casey and Peter Mills. Shay's frustrations boiled over. "This isn't a soap opera for your amusement. It's my life and it's messy and it's hard. And he's getting weird."

Dawson returned to her adult face. "All relationships are hard. You think I don't clutch my pregnant belly every time Matt mentions Hallie? Sometime I lie awake at night wondering if I am going to watch my children's father stroll out the door one day to be with a woman he loves more."

So Dawson did still worry about Casey and Hallie. Or it could be pregnancy hormones creating paranoia. Either way she owed her friend some comfort. "Casey reminds me a lot of my Cajun uncles. Guys like that don't leave their children."

Dawson nodded then her expression changed back to perky, too perky. "What did you mean by he's getting weird?"

Some things she hadn't planned on telling anybody except Kelly was putting their business out there anyway. All she could really do was try for damage control and hope the worst rumors died before they made it too far out of the fire station. "We went to a sex shop. He bought this thing. It's supposed to a be a chastity belt for a man." Shay felt the heat rising in her face. She pulled her necklace out of her shirt and showed Dawson the key hanging behind the medal. "I don't think wearing it can hurt him. He said he's going wear it as long as it takes for me to believe he's faithful. And he's been using bondage terms. It's really annoying."

"Maybe he wants to be dominated. There's a very long line of women who would say he deserves it." Dawson said; then, burst out laughing. "Oh, my god! I just imagined Kelly Severide in slave gear. He would be so adorable with a ball gag and a few well-placed leather straps."

"I don't want that kind of relationship." Shay started to protest; then, she stopped cold. Relationship? Time to face facts, she and Kelly were in relationship territory and it was every bit as excruciatingly fucked up as her life ever could be.

"Then you've got to tell him what kind of relationship you do want." Dawson said. "Now about the proposal, tell me every detail."

"I don't want to talk about it," Shay said. She had too much to think over.

"Indulge me. All I got was Matt saying, well, I guess we ought to get married, after the pee stick turned blue. He was wearing paint covered sweatpants." Dawson said.

"It was just a marriage proposal," Shay said. At the moment it happened her emotions had been running high. Now that she had time to think it over, it occurred to her that the proposal, simple and sweet without any overblown romantic gestures, had been actually how she had always wanted a lover to ask that question. She gazed into Dawson's impatient, but excited eyes and then back at her belly. "He said I don't want a fling with you, I want to marry you."

Now Dawson's eyes sparkled. "That is so romantic."

Shay could hear the voices when she went back into the firestation. It wasn't like she thought it wouldn't happen. Until Peter Mills got caught screwing someone's daughter or Hermann's bar failed, she and Kelly would be the hottest gossip topic around.

"All I am saying is it's freaky." Okay that was Hermann, but Hermann probably thought anything other than the missionary position with the lights off was freaky.

Otis checked in. "It's not our place to judge."

"I could see how a guy would do a lot for the right woman." Peter Mills must still carry torch for Dawson.

Then Mouch made the comment that really shocked her. "If I was in Shay's place, I would do the same thing."

Judging from the chorus of whats that followed, her surprise had been merited.

"Get out of here. You're not that freaky." Hermann said that. Hermann and Mouch had enough years together that he could make that statement.

"All I am saying is if I was a woman involved with Severide, hell, yeah, I would make him lock it up. I would be looking for some way to police his mouth to." Mouch said.

The hell with it! She jerked open the door. Silence fell like a concrete block. Good, at least they still respected the fact that she could get angry. Then all the guys scattered. She knew that was at Mouch's orchestration. Might as well get it over it. She dropped down onto the chair opposite Mouch. "Say it."

"Have you had him tested?" Mouch asked.

Okay that was not what she had expected.

Mouch continued. "We both know lesbians have a much lower HIV rate than the general population and you aren't stupid. But you don't know all of where he's been and you know he has been stupid at least a few times."

She nodded and decided not to tell Mouch that after all the body fluids that had passed between them this weekend anything Kelly had she probably also had now. Besides the risk wasn't as great as Mouch imagined. She knew enough about Kelly's sex life to know he was more careful than most everyone else thought. In all these years, he had never been hit with a paternity suit or a positive STI test. "How should I handle the rest of the station?"

Mouch seemed unconcerned. "Don't handle them. They got over you dating women. They'll get over this. But you let him handle his squad."

"He told them we were engaged. I don't need him to protect me." Shay said.

"That wasn't about protecting you. That was about him not having to fight every asshole in the Chicago Fire Department. Now do your part and protect him by not saying anything to deny what he said." Mouch said.

"All right," she agreed. She felt cold, icy cold, and freezing inside.

Mouch laid a reassuring hand on her shoulder. "Are you okay?"

"Why do I feel so scared? It didn't feel this bad with Clarice." she said.

"You didn't love her as much," Mouch said. "He'll be a good man, if he can stay faithful."

"And if he doesn't?" Shay asked.

"Throw your little key in the Lake before you kick him to curb. You're strong enough." Mouch replied.

Back at their apartment everything was strained not like the cabin. Maybe what they had there couldn't be duplicated in the real world. After she unlocked him for the night and he said, thank you, Mistress, she exploded. "Stop it! Just stop it! You heard some new words at the sex shop. I get it. But it's not funny."

He looked almost hurt. "I was trying to come up with something other than honey or baby."

"I'm Shay. My name was Shay before. It's Shay now." Principle established, now carry on.

"Okay," he replied. Then, he turned up the charm. His gaze glided down her body. "I thought you might like dominating me."

"I don't want to dominate you, I just want to love you," Shay said.

He grabbed her up in his arms. "That's the first time you've said it since this weekend."

After dinner he carried her upstairs. "I think I could get use to this," she admitted crossing her legs behind his back. He didn't feel completely human right there more like a steel construction beam capable of locomotion.

"These arms were made to hold you," he said.

She giggled. "You didn't actually use that line on some woman?"

He laid her down on the bed. "No, but it's not a line if I really believe it."

They kissed soft and sweet at first then it grew deeper until flames lapped across her body. Luckily she had one of Chicago's best fireman on top of the matter. Afterwards Kelly wrapped his arms around her and wouldn't let her leave. "Uh, uh, we sleep in the same bed whenever possible."

His kisses were so rich and his arms so warm, she couldn't imagine replying any way other than, "Of course." Whenever he smiled her heart did a back flip, but she managed to wiggle out of his arms. "I just want to clean up a little. You left me really wet this time."

She couldn't believe it. He looked embarrassed. His arm moved under the sheet and that expression deepened "I'm sorry, Shay. My condom broke."

It didn't register at first. For so many years birth control had never been issue in her life. Then like a sledgehammer, it hit her. It was now and the only one of them that had been using anything had been Kelly. She should have got dressed immediately and gone to the ER for the morning after pill. It wouldn't have been an issue. Any doctor she knew would have written the prescription in the blink of an eye no explanations necessary. And this was Chicago, not Louisiana, finding a twenty-four hour pharmacy to fill it wouldn't have a problem either. But instead of doing exactly what she should do, she slumped down on the bed not wanting to think about the possibilities, but not able to stop. She touched her vagina and drew back sticky fingers. What did she expect? He had testicles worthy of an Angus bull.

His arms were warm around her again. He wiped off her fingers. "Hey, it's not like I haven't spent the last week proposing to you. If something happened, that's not a bad thing."

Her thoughts were not so romantic. "It's too soon. It would be a disaster in the making like Casey and Dawson."

He pressed his lips against her forehead. "No, it's not. I don't have a stick up my ass or a crush on my ex-girlfriend."

She could feel his lips working down to her neck. For what it was worth he could match any woman in tender foreplay, but she shouldn't let him use sex as a way to avoid talking. He picked her up from the bed. "Come on. I want to take a shower with you."

It was a mistake. They were dancing on the edge of the abyss. She should have stopped him and made him talk this out. But the water was so soothing and he was so soothing in the way he bathed her, dried her off, and slid her arms into one of his pajama tops. It was the plaid one, at least it didn't smell like him, but the fact that she was wearing that one, and she knew he hadn't picked it up by accident, screwed with her head. It was too neat and tidy like living in a Lifetime TV movie. There had been a time back when she thought it would be her and Clarice for life when she had planned to ask him to be their sperm donor. Kelly genes would definitely make a pretty baby. But having a child with him like this, as a heterosexual couple? It was a scenario she had never imagined let alone planned. The only thing she really knew for certain was that she had always intended to have kid someday. An arm went under her chest. They had slept this way at the cabin. Even now it was easy for her to fall asleep this way.

The sun was clear and golden the next morning. She was still terrified out of her mind, but at least it was a beautiful day. Kelly noticed her mood. His manner was subdued in the extreme. They said very few words over breakfast and after awhile he wouldn't look her in the eye. Finally a hand shot out and covered hers. She could feel him tremble. That was certainly new. "Should I take you to the ER?" he asked.

He had thrown the ball into her court without an argument. That was only right. Her body, her decision. Except that she knew by his stone set jaw and watery eyes that he had a lot of opinions on the subject. She had to make a decision. She had always intended to have kid. Kelly was her best friend. They had been the constants in each other's lives when everything else fell apart. _It can't be any harder to stay together than it has been to stay apart._ That was the most cliched line she had ever heard, but Kelly was right it was from the most romantic heterosexual movie she remembered. She remembered something else. The Kelly Severide she had always known didn't use lines. His body and those fabulous smiles of his were usually all it took to get women into his bed. "I like Darden," she said. Judging from his open mouth and confused gaze he couldn't connect the dots yet, so she continued. "Darden, it works for both genders, don't you think?"

He got her meaning. Tears ran down those chiseled cheeks. She grabbed some tissue and wiped his eyes. "Stop it. Stop it! This isn't us."

"You won't regret it. I promise." He said.

"I better not," Shay said. And suddenly she was crying. He started kissing her and they didn't make it in for their shifts that day.


	6. Chapter 6

**Chapter 6**

Two remarkable similar versions of the finale chapter exists because I couldn't decide which one I liked best. Version one was written before the death of Hallie which makes it somewhat AU.

**Version One**

"I'm out of my mind," Shay said for the fourth time that morning.

"Stop denying yourself happiness and enjoy your day," Dawson said.

"This isn't happiness. It's dementia." Shay countered.

Dawson gave her an amused look. "Whose bed did you climb out of this morning?"

"Kelly's" Shay replied.

"And whose baby is growing under your belly?" Dawson continued.

"Kelly's." Shay admitted.

Dawson nodded approvingly and hugged Shay. "Stop worrying. Go out there and marry your best friend because if you two are going to have a family it's better for the parents to be married." Dawson handed her bouquet of scarlet lilies. "You're beautiful today, _hermana_. But of all the colors, why red?"

Shay glanced down at the plaid taffeta skirt and shrugged. "Even a firehouse wouldn't be safe, if I wore white."

Once the morning sickness kicked in Kelly had started asking her to set a date on bent knee everyday in front of the entire fire station. It had been highly embarrassing, even if strangely sweet. She doubted many women had ever had Kelly Severide so throughly on his knees before. Of course she would never tell Dawson it was a conversation with Hallie, not only her desire to shut him up, that finally prompted her to agree. She had been to see Kendra just to be certain what she thought was morning sickness wasn't the flu and ran into Hallie. Shay had invited her out for coffee because if anyone understood being conflicted about a relationship it was Hallie. She told Hallie about the pregnancy first. At least, Hallie was honestly excited for her without any tinge of regret.

"Congratulations! Did you meet the father or use an anonymous donor?" Hallie asked.

"Kelly's the father," she said.

An O flashed across Hallie's mouth for a moment. "The rumors are true."

"Do I want to know what those rumors are," she asked.

"That you tamed him. He's muzzled and leashed according to some reports." Hallie told her.

It could have been worse. "I never asked him to do that," Shay said.

"Maybe that's why he did it," Hallie said.

"He wants me to marry him," Shay said.

"Because you're pregnant?" Hallie asked.

"He asked me before we ever even had sex." Then it had occurred to her that this might be too painful a subject to discuss even with Hallie after what had happened between her and Matthew Casey.

But Hallie smiled. "You did house break him." Then her expression grew serious. "Do you love him?"

"Sometimes, it frightens me how much I feel for him," Shay admitted.

Hallie nodded. "Then you got to hold on to him with both arms." She looked so eternally sad at that moment it was all Shay could do to stop at just reaching for Hallie's hands.

"I'm sorry. I'm so sorry. I shouldn't have started talking about this with you." God in heaven! The pregnancy hormones were horrible. They were already turning her into a giant, sobbing mess.

Hallie wiped her eyes. "It's okay. I'm okay. Intellectually, I know Matt and I could have never been happy together. We didn't want the same things. But sometimes it still hurts. If you love Kelly and you agree on how you want to spend your lives together, marry him, because most people don't get to be with the person they love." Hallie had gotten up quickly after that and announced she had to check on a patient.

So the next morning when Kelly made his routine proposal, she had looked him straight in the eye and replied. "We'll have to give my Uncle Etienne time to get here and I'm not wearing white." The celebratory cheers had been loud enough to notify Chief Boden in his office.

Her wedding wasn't what anyone would have predicted. Instead of a lesbian bar with hipster music, she was getting married to a man in the firehouse. Why not? It was central to their lives. It looked rather nice decorated with white streamers and tissue paper bells. There were bagpipes for the walk down the aisle. And while Kelly was wearing a black suit for the ceremony, she chose a tea length dress of plaid taffeta. A tiny handkerchief of white lace on the back of a red velvet headband had been her only nod to traditional bridal conventions. But it all seemed right. It seemed like them with no falsehoods to mar the day.

She hadn't expected the ceremony to be anything other than words to be endured, but standing with Kelly in front of a priest no less, how did Kelly ever manage that, even the ceremony changed into something she hadn't expected. There was some anxious twittering at the line of If anyone knows cause that these two should not be joined together, let them speak now, then the words began in earnest. Gazing into his eyes she saw a man stripped bare. Years of knowing Kelly had taught her when the man was lying and when he was telling the truth. He was standing in front of everyone that mattered in their lives with real love leaking from the corners of his eyes telling the truth when he spoke about loving and cherishing her and forsaking all others as long as they both shall live. The rings were just outward symbols, but the vows Kelly and she repeated coiled into their chests and grew into knots that could never be undone. He was her best friend. He was her lover and from this day forward they would never be only two people. When it was time to kiss, their gazes locked. Kelly whispered "I wish I had met you when I was sixteen. Both of our lives would have been a lot better." She started to cry. Kelly swept her up his arms and declared "I love you, Shay," loud enough that everyone clapped.

Afterwards the reception was a thing to be endured. Dawson's menu was exceptional. The toasts could have been worse, probably would have been worse if the Hermann's kids hadn't been present. Casey was eloquent and offered Kelly congratulations and the best of luck. Dawson sobbed and talked about the beauty of the perfect friendship leading to their perfect happiness. And Chief Boden brought the house down suggesting that if karma existed in the universe Kelly Severide would end up with a house full of beautiful daughters. Then someone put on music and everyone insisted they dance.

"My feet are killing me," Shay protested when Kelly offered her his hand.

"So kick off your shoes. You're the bride. We got to have our first dance." Kelly said.

She gave in, but left her shoes under the table. Someday when her ankles weren't swollen she would wear them. Except they really didn't dance. She just held onto Kelly and swayed with the music. It was an old eighties song about true companions marrying. "Did you pick this out?" she asked.

"I think Dawson did. It's pretty though. I say we play it at our fiftieth." He said.

She felt herself smiling. "That's too far in the future to think about."

"I like thinking about it. I plan on embarrassing our grandchildren." He said.

She batted Kelly with her knuckles. "Grandchildren?"

His eyes became sweet serious. "Why not? With you at my side. I think I can stay alive the next fifty years."

**Version Two**

"I'm out of my mind," Shay said for the fourth time that morning.

"Stop denying yourself happiness and enjoy your day," Dawson said.

"This isn't happiness. It's dementia." Shay countered.

Dawson gave her an amused look. "Whose bed did you climb out of this morning?"

"Kelly's" Shay replied.

"And in whose bed have you been sleeping for the last five and a half years in a relationship of complete monogamy by both partners?" Dawson continued.

"Kelly's." Shay admitted.

"And who is the best father in the world to your daughter and the only man in this fire station who actually seems be doing fifty percent of the child care?" Dawson asked.

Actually it was more like a hundred and fifty percent, Shay thought. She could see Kelly through the window playing with Darden in her pink flower girl dress. They were inseparable. As much as she loved her daughter she had to concede, Darden was her Daddy's girl. "Kelly," she admitted finally.

Dawson nodded approvingly and hugged Shay. "Stop worrying. Go out there and make an honest man of your best friend." Dawson handed her bouquet of scarlet lilies. "You're beautiful today, _hermana_. But of all the colors, why red?"

Shay glanced down at her plaid taffeta skirt and shrugged. "Our daughter is our flower girl I really don't think white would be appropriate."

She hadn't wanted to get married in the first place, but Kelly had insisted. His heart, his body and his soul were hers under any conditions, but if she wanted a little brother or sister for Darden, official marriage with a ceremony in front of their friends was a requirement. Her wedding wasn't what anyone would have predicted. Instead of a lesbian club with hipster music, she was getting married to a man in the firehouse. Why not? It was central to their lives. It looked rather nice decorated with white streamers and tissue paper bells. There were bagpipes for the walk down the aisle. And while Kelly was wearing a black suit for the ceremony, she chose tea length dress of taffeta plaid. A tiny handkerchief of white lace on the back of her velvet headband had been her only nod to traditional bridal conventions. But it all seemed right. It seemed like them with no falsehoods to mare the day.

She hadn't expected the ceremony to be anything other than words to be endured, but standing with Kelly in front of, a priest no less, how did Kelly ever manage that, even the ceremony changed into something she hadn't expected. There was some anxious twittering at the line of If anyone knows cause that these two should not be joined together, let them speak now, then the words began in earnest. Gazing into his eyes she saw a man stripped bare. Years of knowing Kelly had taught her when the man was lying and when he was telling the truth. He was standing in front of everyone that mattered in their lives with real love leaking from the corners of his eyes telling the truth when he spoke about loving and cherishing her and forsaking all others as long as they both shall live. The rings were just outward symbols, but the vows Kelly and she repeated coiled into their chests and grew into knots that could never be undone. He was her best friend. He was her lover and from this day forward the two of them could never be only two people. She felt her eyes grow moist.

"What's wrong?" he whispered.

"We should have done this earlier," she admitted.

He nodded. "Yeah, we should have."

Tears were running down on her checks. They weren't sadness for the years they had lost out on.. She was happy, really overjoyed with happiness over the possible years yet to come that they would spend together. Kelly swept her up his arms and declared "I love you, Shay," loud enough that everyone clapped drowning out the words I now pronounce you husband and wife.


End file.
